Wwww Discoveraboutlove En SearchNs4 False Discover About Love Prison101: #85 Prison Love (guard thy love) RETRO

Prison Love: Gird Thy Love

Today is a pretty nice day, I plan to take a walk to a nearby park and maybe sit out and think about some things. Times like this remind me of how nice it is to be free, and sometimes I think of guys I knew while I was incarcerated. It was several years ago since I was in prison, but it is a part of me that will forever define me.

And because of that, I care about guys in prison who need help, but I also care about those on the outside that have loved ones in prison. So when I blog, I try to give you both sides, understanding that there are two sides to a story.

Last night I got a couple of emails from some readers that told me about the relationships they had with a loved one in prison. A couple of days ago I made a friend on myspace who told me about her relationship with an ex offender.

Those two stories did not end well, as both seem to have both dissolved.

When I read something like that, I pay attention to what the person is saying, and how the relationship failed. The pattern seems to be the same, something I have seen many times, and it get me very disappointed. I really feel sorry for that person who wanted to help a guy in prison, only to be let down.

And then I get upset, because I KNOW that there are a lot of guys in prison who are using people outside of prison. Not all of them, but for every one that does, it reinforces the stereotype that every guy in prison is using a woman to get what he wants…until he gets out of prison.

I have readers that do have successful relationships with an ex offender, but if you asked me to give you a percentage of those that work to those that don’t, I might say about 30% work, and 70% does not.

Why? I think one reason is because sometimes the person on the outside did not guard their love.

“What do you mean by that”

Let me explain…and oh, if you don’t like reading long posts, you need to go ahead and leave now…this one may be long, but it will be as long as I can blog this out.

There is a saying that I heard that seems to fit perfectly with this situation; I am going to say it then discuss it in relations of prison relationships. That saying is this:

Giving is the best form of love

Now immediately some of you are going to get this confused, because you are thinking about material giving, and there is a lot of truth to it, but because we are talking about a prison relationship, there are exceptions to that. Sure, you can GIVE your loved one in prison a card, or GIVE him some money, or GIVE him a magazine subscription, or even GIVE him your time to call you at your expense.

But prison love goes much, much deeper than that. It has to be a two-way street, not a one-way street. You give that man your love and attention and material items… so what does he give you?

If giving is the best form of love, how does your man show you that? Now, here is something that needs to be addressed…SAYING “I love you” does NOT always mean that he loves you.

“But he’s giving me his word”

Yeah, so what’s his word worth?

I can tell you anything if it gets me what I want, because if I think you believe me, then I might be able to use that to my advantage. An inmate can tell 10 women that he loves them, but he is giving them his worthless word. And let’s be sure, it is worthless if his heart is not into it.

I don’t like arguing against inmates because I have been there and I know how bad it is, but I cannot defend an inmate who takes advantage of a person who is giving them part of their life for him. It makes me mad because that makes it harder for me to do what I am trying to do. The word of an ex offender becomes less and less with every ex offender who uses a person for their own gain.

That pisses me off, because I’m trying to do my best to help, but it becomes harder to get support because people have been “burned” by ex offenders.

So how can you read the signs? How can you avoid this problem before it happens? You go back to that saying, “Giving is the best form of love”, and apply that to your man.

There are two sides to a relationship; you and him. And a successful relationship has to be about 50/50. Understand this though, it does not always have to be 50/50, because there are going to be times where your other half falls, and you have to be there to help him, just as you would want that help if you fell. It’s called support.

But when you look at a prison relationship, you have heavy restrictions on what you can expect. But that does not change the fact that you still expect him to give you some form of his love. Otherwise, where is his love for you?

I said this to some people with prison relationships, and I want to continue to say it, look at the fruit of your relationship with him. When you are in contact with him during phonecalls, visits or letters, what are you getting out of him? If you are sowing love and encouragement, are you getting that back in his hope of a better future?

What is he SAYING to you? Is he giving you his heart?

If not, then I ask you, where is the love?

I am reminded of an example that I have shared before, of a lady from a prison support site that emailed me a few years ago about her loved one. She was disappointed in him because she felt he was “seeing” another girl, and found out it to be true. She tried to confront him via letter and phone, and he never apologized, but rather rationalized it. She told me that she was going to visit him and confront him about it.

I strongly advised against it, and I told her that maybe it is better to cut the relationship, since there seems to be nothing to gain by facing him like that. She went anyway, and the next email I got from her informed me that she had to go to the hospital after he slapped her in the middle of visitation.

I was very angry that this jerk would haul off and hit her during HIS visitation, but in her earlier emails, the signs were there that he was not giving her any love at all. But she held on, hoping against hope.
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