Love 57

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Alex--and what was his was his. One day, when he was a toddler, we were looking at photographs of the family, and Theo kept pointing at pictures of Alex and saying Me! Me!

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Alex really had a conniption when we read the Sendak book. It was so bad that I had to hide the book in a closet for years, lest he open it again. He made me read the story about ten times, that evening, but every time it turned out fine he only grew more inconsolable, and I had to go through the whole epic again. It was the first time, as a Mother, that I knew something profoundly psychological was going on with him, but I wasn't sure what to say; he couldn't tell me why he was so frightened. But he was clearly lost in terror. I began to worry that this moment, the reading of this book, would cause permanent psychological scarring. What if a child's wishes do come true--and they are horrible wishes? What if the baby doesn't come back, what if the baby isn't found? Of course, these fears of Outside Over There are as much the fears of a mother, and father, as of a child. The minute a baby is born, the parent pins her heart to her sleeve--anything outside over there can rip it right off. And does.

I wondered then about a steady diet of Sendak--did the books defuse fear? or fertilize the seeds of anxiety?

All I could do was hold my dear son close, and tell him I would never let goblins come.

And that was good enough. How lovely when we get it right. His tears wound down, slowly. I stopped reading, ignoring his demands for a repeat, and after he fell asleep, I hid the book in the back of a closet. Of course.

And now I only wish I could hide the things that will come and get them. I only wish denial were always the answer to life's biggest frights.

I hope my sons know that even though we are all in the land of Outside Over There, every single day--together--I'm doing everything I can, still, to gentle the goblins. And the wonderful thing is they can now do the same for me--and do.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers--or who have ever had mothers. We'll always be outside, over here, waiting, watching.
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1 comments Posted by Dominique

5.11.2012

LAYING ON THE GUILT: ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?




How dare Dr. Bill Sears co opt the term "attachment parenting"--as if shared beds and elementary school breastfeeding were the only way to forge the attachment of mother to child. The result of such an extreme method might turn out to be quite the opposite, triggering a serious detachment struggle. Those of us who breastfed six months--or six hours, and then held our babies' gazes over a bottle--are capable of forging durable, healthy lifetime attachments, thank you very much.

We don't need to shoulder yet another burden of guilt for not being "mom enough"--good enough--parents.

Sometimes these parenting gurus make me crazy. Luckily, most moms are too exhausted to read books. Instead, they follow their instincts. 


Writing a "sidebar"--part of a larger package in a magazine--without knowing too much about what is going on around you is kind of like having a hand on part of the elephant and thinking, well, an elephant looks like its ear. This week, I wrote about a book, The Conflict, by Elisabeth Badinter, that claims that breastfeeding is keeping American women from achieving their full status as working citizens. The book is pretty bad, turgid, wrong-headed, and poorly translated (to top it off.) Breast-feeding doesn't compromise our economic or social status. Old-fashioned sexism does. We'll keep feeding the babies (and give us better maternity leaves) and give us equal pay when we go back to work.  It is that simple. 

But what was going on around me was truly provocative and hilarious and marvelous--as seen by the photo on the cover. In my life, I have never seen a child that old breastfeed--and only once, as I write, seen a child walk up to his mother and unbutton her blouse for a sip. The entire package at TIME is terrific. It is already stirring up tons of conversation--always a good thing.

Meantime, over at Moms Clean Air Force, Molly Rauch asks exactly the right question: Are WE Mom enough? Mom enough to fight against big polluter, their crony politicians, and the way they are jeopardizing the world into which our children will grow?
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0 comments Posted by Dominique

5.08.2012

MAURICE SENDAK



Maurice Sendak has left us, gone to where the wild things are.

Taking a few moments today to honor Sendak's work. How many countless hours I spent with my two sons, reading his marvelous books over and over again. I still read them. This marvelous portrait was taken by Annie Liebowitz and accompanied a Vanity Fair piece by Dave Eggers.

0 comments Posted by Dominique

5.06.2012

CINCO DE MAYO PARADE!